For those of you who've read my last post (wasn't it ridiculicious?) and are wondering, Jennifer, how can I melt away my side guts and look like a pinoy version of a Greek statue?, I've got good news. All you have to do is follow this workout plan and I guarantee you'll see progress in no time at all. At all!
First, I like start with the Sideways-Lying Leg and Neck Squeeze. What you do is lie down on your side, cross your arms in front of your boobs, and squeeze sideways. But always remember to wear a neck brace because this one hurts as heck! Do 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, or 30 of these. Make sure you're dying throughout the exercise or else you have to start over. Dorothea is here to show us her moves.
Next is the ever-so-painful YMCA. In this one, you hold some weights in each hand. Make sure they are the same or else one arm might get tired and the weight will come down on your head. (Trust me, that hurts as heck!) So with the weights, you hold them up like you're doing the Y in the YMCA dance. Next, you bend sideways towards one side like you're doing the C. Also repeat with the other side. You'll look silly and people will stare, but you can believe that they're staring at your awesome abs. Do like a hundred of these. Or ten, if you're feeling lonesome. Dorothea, give it to me.
I like to call this next one the Spinal Cord Injury because you'll feel like you got one from twisting so much. So what you wanna do is grab one weight and make sure it's heavy. Otherwise, you might as well eat that cupcake you're hiding in your backpack. Then you plant your feet and twist to one side until you feel your spine cracking. Twist the other way and make sure you hear the cracks. You might consider having a friend nearby in case your back gives out. Do as many as you can handle without throwing up, rest, then do more until you actually throw up. That's some nice abs, Dorothea. Now show us how it's done.
This next one is called the Psycho because I picture myself holding an axe and chopping someone up whenever I do this one. It's great fun. So first, you take a weight or an axe or whatever and hold it up by your ear. Then you chop down and across. Make sure you feel it in your abs because no one wants to see that pooch and they'll tell you about it, too. But then that's when the axe comes in handy. I'm joking. Safety first, right Dorothea?
You'll just die over this next one. I call it Churning Butter. The reason why I call it that is because this is how I imagine people churn butter. I'm not actually sure what the process involves, but in my mind, this is how it goes. Anyways, you first get on your knees. You get one of those really heavy balls and you twist one way to hide it behind you. Leave it there for now. Then you twist the other way and grab that ball. Then you twist again. See? Churning butter! Another name I call this is Torsion because of all the balls and twisting involved. Do this ten times because ten is the magic number for this exercise. Here's Jim Bob to show us how it's done.
Last is the I'm Not Cheating side crunch. What you do is lie on one side and hold your shoulders up with your elbow. Don't worry. That's not considered cheating. Then you lift your legs up to the side. It's that easy. Do as many as you can or until you feel nauseated, whichever comes first. Also, get some water because you sure will be dehydrated by this time. You know, from all the vomiting and stuff. Jim Bob once more.
That's it! And when you feel like giving up, don't. Just remember the old saying: I think I can...
Exercise is dee-lish!
Mmm hmmm!
It's been a while, friends, since we've last online-met, hasn't it? My week has been quite busy and I've been quite dodgy to you all, haven't I? To that I offer my most humblest and sincerest apologies. But Jennifer, it's not that easy! That simply won't do, you say? Fortunately, I came prepared. In an attempt to quell all your collective maliciosities towards myself, I present to you this gift.
I stumbled across this jewel today at the computer lab at school. And let me just tell you, it sure brought a smile to my visage.
This entry would not have been possible without my friends at TheSuperficial.com and Thesaurus.com. Thanks guys!
Nursing Dx: Blogging Hiatus r/t Hiatal Hernia
Hey, errbody! I feel like it's been, like, ten days since I've blogged or something. Wow. But seriously, I'm not gonna lie. I needed that little hiatus. And it's all thanks to my hiatal hernia. (See figure.)
But, seriously, hooooooo. That's me exhaling because the past week has been quite the doozy, if I ever did see one. I went through so many ups and downs, emotions-wise, that I think I'll take a week off from emoting. In my opinion, emotions are overrated, anyway. But refer back to a couple of sentences ago and note how I also mentioned "ups." No, not the United Parcel Service, the world's premier package-delivering company. See, we tend to only remember the downs when the going gets rough, but when the rough gets going, it's really helpful to focus on the ups, the positives.
Take, for example, my example. I think it was either Thursday or Friday morning when I was feeling particularly down. In fact, I was pretty much down in the dumps. I decided to take a dump since my bowels and rectum were feeling pretty full that morning. So I sat there and let it all go. I just let it all out, all that emotion, into that unsuspecting toilet. After doing the deed, I peered into the bowl through my legs because that's what nurses do. (Refer back to sentence enclosed in parentheses at end of first paragraph.) That's when I was filled with that "Oh, great!" feeling. There was just so much down there that I was sure the toilet did not have the potency to do away with my mess!
Usually when this happens, I send up a quick prayer and ask God to bless the toilet and to make fruitful of its efforts, hold down the lever, and hope for the best. But this time I was at such a low and was not in the right frame of mind that I jumped the gun and grabbed my bucket. I was gonna manually flush the thing myself. As I stood next to the tub, filling my bucket with water to capacity, I decided to just try the lever. I fully expected the attempt to fail. But, surprise surprise, the poop went down the hole! Yeah, all of it!
Standing there with my bucket of water, I thought to myself, You fool. You didn't have faith that God would do this little task for you. You usually trust Him with even the smallest things. But you let the events of your life interfere with your trust. It dawned on me that God was with me, standing with me in that bathroom. He showed me that all I had to do was trust and He would take care of the rest. I realized that, by skipping my usual prayer and filling my bucket, I was trying to do something I had no control over. But He showed me that He would take care of me. On the toilet and with everything I was dealing with in my life.
I hope my story was not too graphic and that it helps someone out there in internet land.
I'm not gonna lie...
I'm not gonna lie, I'm just an all-around renaissance woman. I mean, come on. I've got the looks, the brains, and the vocals/dance skills to shame even Christina Aguilera. (And with a track record like hers, I'd say that's pretty much the accomplishment of the year. Both because she's just an amazing singer/songstress and because it's just about impossible to out-shame the shameless.)
Anyway, I just want to thank all my fans out there who supported me in my debut performance, my maiden voyage, if you will, as Tastylicious. I also want to thank La Sierra University for inviting me to participate in their talent show even though I am so not a student over there anymore because I'm a nursing student at Loma Linda University School of Nursing. I would not like to thank the judges for giving me an "honorable mention." To that, I say "Whatev." You're all gonna weep when I take Best Breakout Artist of the Year and Best Album of the Year.
Which reminds me: my debut album Attempt to Capsulize a Feeling will hit the shelves just as soon as they finish with it in editing!
Excellent Asians
Coffee doesn't do it for me. Coffee isn't the one that puts that extra kick in my step or the jocularity in the bounce of my curls. For me, it's the smell of turkey bacon. In the perfect world, I'd wake up and turkey bacon would already be sizzling on my George Foreman. Having it there, next to my bed (a la Michael Scott), would be ideal.
But that's just wishful thinking. Truth is, I have to milk that spunk you see from a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats. And that kick in my step and the bounce in my curls, you ask? Well, that's because I stretch my hamstrings every morning and use Pantene Pro-V at night. Try it, you'll see.
But anyway, as mornings go, this one turned up a jewel. In my perusal of blogs of note, I stumbled across one entry that caught my eye (or did my eye catch the entry?) under the heading JC Penney Thinks Padma Lakshmi and Hung Huyhn Are Excellent Asians. And the article:
Padma and Hung are nominated in the Favorite Television Personality and Favorite Reality Star categories, respectively, at this year's Asian Excellence Awards. The awards will be handed out tomorrow at UCLA's Royce Hall, but you will have to wait until May 1, when the awards show is broadcast on E!, to see whether viewers deemed Padma a more excellent Asian than Tila Tequila.
We cannot help but wonder, though, where is Dale Talde? Is he not excellent enough?
Your thoughts?
Oh my word, y'all
Tonight's episode of Top Chef: Chicago just might have been the most intense episode yet. Wedding Wars is a twist to the Top Chef tradition of Restaurant Wars, but with weddings. The remaining eight cheftestants split into two groups: the Bride team (Richard, Stephanie, Andrew, and Antonia) and the Groom team (Lisa, Dale, Nikki, and Spike). The two teams catered the same party but based their menus on what the bride or groom wanted.
So what made it so intense? One word: Dale Talde. Yep, that darned Pinoy strikes again. Dale, why do you gotta go and make us Asians look so bad, huh? Spike summed it up right nice when he said "You're such a little b****, bro." Also intensifying things was that relay quick fire challenge.
Also, I must give my props (or kudos, whichever the reader prefers) to the two ladies who got stuck with the wedding cakes. If you can call Lisa a lady. snortle
Judge's Table was just plain shocktastic. I would recommend watching the actual episode cuz I'm downright horrendous at synopses, but to cut the cheese, Nikki Cascone was cut tonight. Sorry, Nikki fans. All four of you. And now for the obligatory loser pic:
Oops. Wrong one. Here she is.
Ah, well. Such is life. What're you gonna do?
Open Casting Call
My friend Kristina is starting a new all-girl group inspired by the recent success of my all-time fave girl group, Girlicious. She hasn't come up with a name for the group yet, but we're all excited.
If you're interested, please come to Kristina's house for an audition. I know I said it was an open call, but we want to limit the amount of weirdos so I'm not gonna put up her address. I guess what I'm saying is if you're already one of our friends and you want in (and you know where Kristina lives), please join our group cuz so far no one seems to be interested and I really want to be in an all-girl group. My stage name will be Tastylicious.
This could be us!
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
Oi! Oi! Oi! Okay, so he's from New Zealand, not Austria. Mark Simmons, that is. He was booted last night from Bravo's Top Chef Chicago, my all-time fave show. His curry was too sweet, they said. To that I say pish posh.
Padma, don't read this next part. Also, I love you.
I seriously think Padma is mad at me so she's kicking off all my fave chefs from most fave to least. First Nimma, then Valerie, then Erik, then Manuel, then Zoi, then Ryan, then Jen, and now Mark?! I mean, come on!
At this rate, my least fave chef will take first place. Fortunately, I haven't figured out who my least fave chef is just yet.
I guess you'll just have to keep reading my blog. Also, my first blog. The link is to the right under "Yo Yo Yo, Check it Out, Yo."
