No. 2 on Jennifer's Top One Hundred and One Favourite Things of All Time Past, Present, and Future is the one, the only, sexual inter- and outercourse. But not for the reason you're thinking, perv. Sheesh, don't be such a Pervy Perverson. I mean, come on! Anyway, the reason this made my cut is because it is the reason for many of my favourite people (see No. 14: Zachary Myron Efron, and No. 13: Morgan Freeman). For a similar if not the same reason, Artificial Insemination is No. 68 on my Top 101.
Side note: anyone who's been following my Top 101 list will notice that No. 68 was formerly the Babiez Factory in Irvine, but ever since I became a nursing student at Loma Linda University School of Nursing, I've learned some things and now understand that babies do not come from factories, thank you very much. I mean, come on! I'm not 14 anymore, Dad.
No. 2: Sexual Inter/Outercourse
Nursing Dx: Blogging Hiatus r/t Hiatal Hernia
Hey, errbody! I feel like it's been, like, ten days since I've blogged or something. Wow. But seriously, I'm not gonna lie. I needed that little hiatus. And it's all thanks to my hiatal hernia. (See figure.)
But, seriously, hooooooo. That's me exhaling because the past week has been quite the doozy, if I ever did see one. I went through so many ups and downs, emotions-wise, that I think I'll take a week off from emoting. In my opinion, emotions are overrated, anyway. But refer back to a couple of sentences ago and note how I also mentioned "ups." No, not the United Parcel Service, the world's premier package-delivering company. See, we tend to only remember the downs when the going gets rough, but when the rough gets going, it's really helpful to focus on the ups, the positives.
Take, for example, my example. I think it was either Thursday or Friday morning when I was feeling particularly down. In fact, I was pretty much down in the dumps. I decided to take a dump since my bowels and rectum were feeling pretty full that morning. So I sat there and let it all go. I just let it all out, all that emotion, into that unsuspecting toilet. After doing the deed, I peered into the bowl through my legs because that's what nurses do. (Refer back to sentence enclosed in parentheses at end of first paragraph.) That's when I was filled with that "Oh, great!" feeling. There was just so much down there that I was sure the toilet did not have the potency to do away with my mess!
Usually when this happens, I send up a quick prayer and ask God to bless the toilet and to make fruitful of its efforts, hold down the lever, and hope for the best. But this time I was at such a low and was not in the right frame of mind that I jumped the gun and grabbed my bucket. I was gonna manually flush the thing myself. As I stood next to the tub, filling my bucket with water to capacity, I decided to just try the lever. I fully expected the attempt to fail. But, surprise surprise, the poop went down the hole! Yeah, all of it!
Standing there with my bucket of water, I thought to myself, You fool. You didn't have faith that God would do this little task for you. You usually trust Him with even the smallest things. But you let the events of your life interfere with your trust. It dawned on me that God was with me, standing with me in that bathroom. He showed me that all I had to do was trust and He would take care of the rest. I realized that, by skipping my usual prayer and filling my bucket, I was trying to do something I had no control over. But He showed me that He would take care of me. On the toilet and with everything I was dealing with in my life.
I hope my story was not too graphic and that it helps someone out there in internet land.
I'm not gonna lie...
I'm not gonna lie, I'm just an all-around renaissance woman. I mean, come on. I've got the looks, the brains, and the vocals/dance skills to shame even Christina Aguilera. (And with a track record like hers, I'd say that's pretty much the accomplishment of the year. Both because she's just an amazing singer/songstress and because it's just about impossible to out-shame the shameless.)
Anyway, I just want to thank all my fans out there who supported me in my debut performance, my maiden voyage, if you will, as Tastylicious. I also want to thank La Sierra University for inviting me to participate in their talent show even though I am so not a student over there anymore because I'm a nursing student at Loma Linda University School of Nursing. I would not like to thank the judges for giving me an "honorable mention." To that, I say "Whatev." You're all gonna weep when I take Best Breakout Artist of the Year and Best Album of the Year.
Which reminds me: my debut album Attempt to Capsulize a Feeling will hit the shelves just as soon as they finish with it in editing!
Chimichanga
Recently, I had a deep conversation with a couple of my closest friends. We talked about everything: makeup, stickers, ponies, and Myspace.com. As per usual, I had a lot to say and they had a lot to listen to. Also as per usual, our conversation gradually turned towards bodily functions. Because I'm a nursing student at Loma Linda University School of Nursing, I don't get grossed out by that sort of stuff anymore.
We were discussing flatulence and the accompanying stinkiness when one of us came up with the idea of a machine that could make farts smell nicer. We all agreed that that would be quite awesome. We all had a good laugh and the conversation gradually turned to religion and politics.
Later that night, though, I couldn't help but fantasize about such machines that could make my farts more palatable. Think about it: no longer would we have to endure the discomfort of holding it in while waiting for the elevator to reach the lobby and for the cute doctor to get out already. Now that would be a world I want to be a part of.
My mind was racing. Now, I tend to have quite the imagination, so bear with me. I visualized a small machine, approximately the size of a standard deck of playing cards. Maybe it could have velcro straps to secure it on my glutei. It would also be custom fitted to follow the contours of my body. The machine would have a vacuum on one side (the user side) and a small vent on the other. As the molecules of gas are sucked into the device, a tiny beam of laser would irritate said molecules, causing them to change in their olfactionatory properties. The result is the fragrance of a fresh spring meadow, peppermint, or whatever the user sets the dial to. I think I would want my dial set permanently to Chimichanga.
Sweet.
