Exercise is dee-lish!

For those of you who've read my last post (wasn't it ridiculicious?) and are wondering, Jennifer, how can I melt away my side guts and look like a pinoy version of a Greek statue?, I've got good news. All you have to do is follow this workout plan and I guarantee you'll see progress in no time at all. At all!

First, I like start with the Sideways-Lying Leg and Neck Squeeze. What you do is lie down on your side, cross your arms in front of your boobs, and squeeze sideways. But always remember to wear a neck brace because this one hurts as heck! Do 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, or 30 of these. Make sure you're dying throughout the exercise or else you have to start over. Dorothea is here to show us her moves.
Next is the ever-so-painful YMCA. In this one, you hold some weights in each hand. Make sure they are the same or else one arm might get tired and the weight will come down on your head. (Trust me, that hurts as heck!) So with the weights, you hold them up like you're doing the Y in the YMCA dance. Next, you bend sideways towards one side like you're doing the C. Also repeat with the other side. You'll look silly and people will stare, but you can believe that they're staring at your awesome abs. Do like a hundred of these. Or ten, if you're feeling lonesome. Dorothea, give it to me.
I like to call this next one the Spinal Cord Injury because you'll feel like you got one from twisting so much. So what you wanna do is grab one weight and make sure it's heavy. Otherwise, you might as well eat that cupcake you're hiding in your backpack. Then you plant your feet and twist to one side until you feel your spine cracking. Twist the other way and make sure you hear the cracks. You might consider having a friend nearby in case your back gives out. Do as many as you can handle without throwing up, rest, then do more until you actually throw up. That's some nice abs, Dorothea. Now show us how it's done.
This next one is called the Psycho because I picture myself holding an axe and chopping someone up whenever I do this one. It's great fun. So first, you take a weight or an axe or whatever and hold it up by your ear. Then you chop down and across. Make sure you feel it in your abs because no one wants to see that pooch and they'll tell you about it, too. But then that's when the axe comes in handy. I'm joking. Safety first, right Dorothea?
You'll just die over this next one. I call it Churning Butter. The reason why I call it that is because this is how I imagine people churn butter. I'm not actually sure what the process involves, but in my mind, this is how it goes. Anyways, you first get on your knees. You get one of those really heavy balls and you twist one way to hide it behind you. Leave it there for now. Then you twist the other way and grab that ball. Then you twist again. See? Churning butter! Another name I call this is Torsion because of all the balls and twisting involved. Do this ten times because ten is the magic number for this exercise. Here's Jim Bob to show us how it's done.
Last is the I'm Not Cheating side crunch. What you do is lie on one side and hold your shoulders up with your elbow. Don't worry. That's not considered cheating. Then you lift your legs up to the side. It's that easy. Do as many as you can or until you feel nauseated, whichever comes first. Also, get some water because you sure will be dehydrated by this time. You know, from all the vomiting and stuff. Jim Bob once more.
That's it! And when you feel like giving up, don't. Just remember the old saying: I think I can...